Bluffer’s Guide to the First Grade – Part II

I wonder how many times he can get away with this tactic in English comprehension tests. And, for the record, statement number 4 is an exaggeration.

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Why can’t I get both my kids to look good in one photo?

CARLA! OVER HERE!

Stanley, could you smile again please?

The moment has passed hasn't it? Never mind, I'll sort it out in Photoshop

JOB DONE

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Your chance to make a 7 year old very happy…

…oh and help some sick kids too.

I hate asking people for money, which is why I’ve never done it before, or not on the Internet at least.  However, it occurs to me that I’ve sponsored many of my friends and acquaintances on Facebook / Twitter to the tune of £100s over the last few years, so today I’m going to make an exception.  Stanley is jumping rope [Brit: skipping] for a heart charity and he will be beside himself with joy for each and every person that donates on his page.

Here’s the best bit: because Stanley’s grasp of the value of money is extraordinarily flaky, it doesn’t matter how small your donation is!  So basically you can make Stanley (and by extension me) very happy and contribute to the American Heart Association for as little as $1!  What’s more, you can hassle me the next time you’re rattling a tin for a worthy cause. And yes, yes, yes!  You can donate using British credit & debit cards!

If you’ve had a better offer today, I’d like to hear about it in the comments.

Are you still reading?  Well in that case you should definitely donate.  Thank you!

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Bluffer’s Guide to the First Grade

Full marks for shameless flattery, though!

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WARNING!

Just two glasses of wine can seriously impair your judgement when carrying out the simplest of tasks.

...such as ordering customisable cheque books. I estimate that these will last me another seven years.

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Key West twixt Christmas and New Year

I’m not going to use the phrase ‘Festive Perineum’ because I disappoint enough visitors from Google Search as it is.

Festive Perineum Festive Perineum Festive Perineum Festive Perineum Festive Perineum Festive Perineum Festive Perineum Festive Perineum Festive Perineum

Anyway, when my parents visit for the Holidays we decide that a brief excursion after Christmas would be wise.  Jenni and I think long and hard about a good place to take a 4 year old, a 7 year old and two seniors. True to form, our decision-making process comes up with Key West, a world-famous Mecca for hard drinkers and homosexuals.

It’s not the place for a lengthy family stay, but there’s plenty to keep everyone entertained for the few days that we’re here.

Hear the sea here! See?

The sunsets alone make it worth the drive down.  Even I can get a half-decent picture:

The only thing that can spoil this is whooping and clapping when the sun disappears (Americans take note!)

On our last full day here, Jenni persuades me to ask about hiring Jet Skis. The guy on the stall tells me that so long as the life-jackets fit, we can take the kids out with us.  I tell him that we have no experience of doing anything like this, but he assures me that’s most of his business. I realise there’s a part of me that was hoping he’d advise us to just go back to the hotel and open some wine…but that never happens.

Having duly signed away our rights if any of us get killed, and a blank credit card slip if any of their stuff gets damaged, we’re on the Jet Skis for ‘orientation’, which amounts to being told that the right hand lever is the gas and it won’t steer unless we give it some gas. There are no brakes. Avoiding sail boats, powerboats, catamarans, kayaks, surfers, divers, tug boats, other Jet Skiers, piers, harbours, islands, buoys, sand bars and manatees is (not unreasonably, I suppose) left to common sense. He does add that in the event of falling off, we should rotate the Jet Ski counterclockwise from a capsized position and climb back on to it from behind. How to simultaneously rescue a child is something else left to common sense..but being British, we’d sooner risk our lives and the lives of our children than create an awkward situation by getting off now.

Once you get the hang of it, Jet Skis are a lot of fun.  Next time I’ll take one out on my own so I can go faster than 30mph without a terrified child screaming at people on land for help.

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I think we outdid Santa’s Stocking Fillers this year

[wpvideo j9hhHGam]

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What is a ‘Love Specialist’?

I want to go in and ask, but Jenni says that we don't have time and that we have to go now

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It’s not about the shoes, Carla!

Just focus on the game and remember that you are part of a team!

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The All You Can Eat buffet has run out of chocolate cake!

Either that or they're waiting for us to leave before they bring any more out

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